Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
