Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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