I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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