i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
