I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
