I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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