I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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