Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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