His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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