I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
