I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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