I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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