You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
