She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
