i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
