so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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