I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
