Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
