I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think your dad took our porno
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
