So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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