You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
