4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Randomize
