Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
