well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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