high people should be assigned attendants
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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