U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
