I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
