I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
