apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
