A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
