life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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