he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
