he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My vagina is officially offended.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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