omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
