Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize