ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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