And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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