Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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