If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
