Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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