I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
