Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
