you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
