Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
