Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
