just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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