Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
