I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
