I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
