when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
