I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
