**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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