I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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