i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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