Having a random hookup so left but love u
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
