Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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