i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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