Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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