For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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