FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
