I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
