If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
