I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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