if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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