I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
