i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I need to align my fucking chakras
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