Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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