he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
