I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
